I have had a number of things on my mind lately. Actually, I've had so much on my mind and so much that I've wanted to blog about that I just stayed away for fear that my thoughts would be barfed out onto the computer screen for all to see, and probably for no one to understand.
See what I mean?
So, here's one of them;
When Chip was about sex weeks old we got his hearing checked at his discharge visit with our midwives. This is standard for them, a little later than usual, but still the norm with all of their newborn patients. I didn't think anything of it, until my midwife, Amy, tested. Paused. Tested. Paused. Looked confused. Then retested again. "Have you noticed anything
different
about Charlie, Dana?" she asked.
That moment changed my perspective on a lot of things. I don't know if I'll ever be able to eloquently convey just how, though. So bear with me.
My head started violently spinning as I replayed literally hundreds of moments in his short life and not ONE of them included me being alarmed by his seeming inability to hear. That's probably what bothered me most in those first few moments. I was stunned as I stood there realizing that, no, he doesn't jolt at noises. No, he doesn't turn his head towards your voice or any other jingle or jangle either. How could I have missed that?
"Don't worry, sometimes this doesn't mean anything but he'll need further testing." I could tell Amy was trying to console me in some way. My fears must have been as transparent as the tears that were welling up in my eyes.
I went home with my mom who was with us. She tried to say a few things, but I didn't want to talk about it until I could talk with Nik. It was a long few hours until he got home. During that time I tried everything I could to get Chip to startle, jump, look at me when I called...anything. He didn't. What I had previously chalked up as 'a contented baby' now became vastly different. I was supposed to speak that night at a womens event at our church. I didn't. When Nik finally got home, he saw me holding our baby with tears pouring out. He knew that we had an appointment and I think he was a little freaked out. I told him what happened and was ready for him to laugh it off or roll his eyes like he usually does when I'm being too dramatic about something, but he didn't. He just took Chip from me and started speaking softly, "Charlie, it's daddy, I'm home" then a little louder, "Charlie, it's Daddy" a few more of these and finally a really loud "CHIP!" Still, he slept. Nik nervously turned half his lip down, you know, when people are, well nervous about something. He all but uncomfortably yanked his collar from his neck. I don't think either of us knew what to think.
I decided to go to the thing at the church. It was good, but I couldn't enjoy it. My mother-in-law was wondering why I was so teary and distant. That night I started singing to my baby. I didn't know if he could hear me or not. For all intents and purposes it seemed like he couldn't. I remember sobbing the lines of "Great is Thy Faithfulness" and the boys' made up song, "Don Don Shark"....I just wanted him to hear the words. It was a long two or three weeks before we could get other testing done. It was a lot of time spent in prayer. By the time the appointment came we were convinced that he was at least partially deaf. He really didn't respond to anything.
My appointment was at 1:00. I thought it was at 12:30, so I was there early. I ended up being called in late. It was 1:08. I know exactly because I looked at my phone right before she called us in. The entire test took less than a minute. The gal asked if there was a history of any related type deal-ios....so I told her about my partial deafness. Yes, I was born without an ear canal in my left ear and had to have a tube put in. They didn't find it for a few months. Anyways, she thought that maybe it could have been a genetic thing or whatever. So she does the test. And, we all know the results because if you know Chip (as most if not all of you do) you know, that he can hear. He was clear!
Now, the interesting thing is that she did some preliminary tests like clapping and clicking and yelling to which he didn't respond...at all. She was thinking there was some merit to that. Which is why she talked about the possibility of a genetic ear canal thing (which I'm not sure can even happen?). Anyways, fastforward a few hours. My Father IL calls and asks how things went and at what time the test was done. I said why? He told me that at 1:13 God told him to simply pray that Chip's ears would be open. (Take the chit-chat and preliminary tests into account and it very well could have been right before or as the test was being done)
I don't know if Chip wasn't able to hear before then. It sure seemed like he couldn't. But I choose to believe that God performed a miracle on Chippy that day.
He also worked on me a little too. You see, the thought of Chip not being able to hear was so umbearable to me. I was thinking about all that he would miss out on. Things that I love. Like music, or hearing people laugh. I was so sad for him. God kicked me in the butt through this whole ordeal. You see, even if Chip wouldn't have been able to hear, he would still be able to do the one thing that matters...Glorify God through worship, service, and a life lived for Him. That's all that should matter. That's all that this mama's heart should pray for.
And, pray I do. Every day for these little souls to fall in love with my God, my Abba, my Creator.
Sometimes, as I raise my voice at the boys I wish they
couldn't
hear me. The only voice I want them to really listen to is God's. And you don't need ears to hear it.
Pray for me, dear friends, that I would be a pleasing sound to God's ears.
