Tea Time With Mama Dana

I have been debating whether or not to write this for some time as it frightening at how revealing it could be. I argued that I would write it ‘anonymously’, but after consideration, I’m thinking it would be pretty obvious as to who wrote it. So, with no pen name to hide behind, a shaky hand and a humble heart, I will write about what God has been revealing to me ever since “mother” became a word to describe me.
It was March 21, 2005 when we found out about Finn. I was very surprised and naively excited. I romanticized motherhood in my head and dreamt about cute smiles, sweet baby smells and wonderful snuggles. It wasn’t until I was met, head on, with a fussy baby who seemed like he wanted nothing to do with me that I realized my life had just made a drastic change. It’s not like I didn’t expect a change, but like I said, I naively expected a gentle alteration. Being faced with a baby who seemed resentful of me stirred up many emotions within me. The most predominant feeling: the one that has stuck with me ever since, and has diligently reared its ugly head at me on more than one occasion over the past three years-guilt.
It seems innocent enough, isn’t the feeling of guilt sometimes a good thing for a child of God to experience? Doesn’t it mean that we acknowledge a sin or wrong doing and are convicted by it which would/should lead to repentance? This is what I though, and so, everytime I felt guilt, I though that the guilt was a result of sin in my life.
To give you some kind of insight here are a few examples: I felt guilty when I didn’t sit on the floor all day with Finn when he was a 6 months old or stimulate him with intricate crafts and flannel boards when he turned two. When he was just a baby, I felt guilty that he was having a hard time with nursing and I felt especially guilt stricken when we turned to formula when he was just three months old. And when I introduced another baby and needed some extra help around the house, I felt guilty for not pulling my weight and for somehow being a bad wife by not letting my hubby ‘unwind’ when he came through the door. And now that I have older children who interact with the world around them, I struggle with guilt when they show less than Christ-like qualities and selfishly fight over a toy with another child : I mean, after all, I’m their mother and should have taught them how to behave better, right?
You see, we can let Satan have a foothold in many areas. I have found that being a mother gives him plenty of opportunities to do just that. I struggle everyday with feeling like an adequate mother to these children that God has entrusted me with. And, like I do with my kids, I am trying to get to the heart of these guilty feelings. I would be lying to you, if I didn’t tell you that I know the heart of the issue is pride. I think it’s easy to take pride in our accomplishments, and what greater accomplishment than raising God fearing, loving, gentle and kind children! What we all need to realize is that there can only be pride in Christ, and it is only through Christ that we are able to ‘achieve’ things such as Children who learn to love obedience and follow God. My greatest prayer is that God, in His sovereignty and grace has chosen my children to serve Him. And, if He has chosen them, I can only hope and pray that He uses me to bring Glory to His name in this way. Galatians 6:4 tells us to look at our actions and then rejoice in them if they are glorifying to God. What is my motivation! Father God, may I glorify YOU in being a great mother to these kids. May they see you through me in how I interact with them daily! Bring them into your arms and save them! In Jesus’ name, Amen.