I'm not one to usually do this, I anonymously follow others blogs with the hopes that no one finds out that I'm a cyber stalker. But I feel so burdoned and sad for this family. Please pray with me.

Tea Time With Mama Dana

I have been debating whether or not to write this for some time as it frightening at how revealing it could be. I argued that I would write it ‘anonymously’, but after consideration, I’m thinking it would be pretty obvious as to who wrote it. So, with no pen name to hide behind, a shaky hand and a humble heart, I will write about what God has been revealing to me ever since “mother” became a word to describe me.
It was March 21, 2005 when we found out about Finn. I was very surprised and naively excited. I romanticized motherhood in my head and dreamt about cute smiles, sweet baby smells and wonderful snuggles. It wasn’t until I was met, head on, with a fussy baby who seemed like he wanted nothing to do with me that I realized my life had just made a drastic change. It’s not like I didn’t expect a change, but like I said, I naively expected a gentle alteration. Being faced with a baby who seemed resentful of me stirred up many emotions within me. The most predominant feeling: the one that has stuck with me ever since, and has diligently reared its ugly head at me on more than one occasion over the past three years-guilt.
It seems innocent enough, isn’t the feeling of guilt sometimes a good thing for a child of God to experience? Doesn’t it mean that we acknowledge a sin or wrong doing and are convicted by it which would/should lead to repentance? This is what I though, and so, everytime I felt guilt, I though that the guilt was a result of sin in my life.
To give you some kind of insight here are a few examples: I felt guilty when I didn’t sit on the floor all day with Finn when he was a 6 months old or stimulate him with intricate crafts and flannel boards when he turned two. When he was just a baby, I felt guilty that he was having a hard time with nursing and I felt especially guilt stricken when we turned to formula when he was just three months old. And when I introduced another baby and needed some extra help around the house, I felt guilty for not pulling my weight and for somehow being a bad wife by not letting my hubby ‘unwind’ when he came through the door. And now that I have older children who interact with the world around them, I struggle with guilt when they show less than Christ-like qualities and selfishly fight over a toy with another child : I mean, after all, I’m their mother and should have taught them how to behave better, right?
You see, we can let Satan have a foothold in many areas. I have found that being a mother gives him plenty of opportunities to do just that. I struggle everyday with feeling like an adequate mother to these children that God has entrusted me with. And, like I do with my kids, I am trying to get to the heart of these guilty feelings. I would be lying to you, if I didn’t tell you that I know the heart of the issue is pride. I think it’s easy to take pride in our accomplishments, and what greater accomplishment than raising God fearing, loving, gentle and kind children! What we all need to realize is that there can only be pride in Christ, and it is only through Christ that we are able to ‘achieve’ things such as Children who learn to love obedience and follow God. My greatest prayer is that God, in His sovereignty and grace has chosen my children to serve Him. And, if He has chosen them, I can only hope and pray that He uses me to bring Glory to His name in this way. Galatians 6:4 tells us to look at our actions and then rejoice in them if they are glorifying to God. What is my motivation! Father God, may I glorify YOU in being a great mother to these kids. May they see you through me in how I interact with them daily! Bring them into your arms and save them! In Jesus’ name, Amen.

pitty potty

yesterday we tried some of this...




which turned into this...




and ultimately ended like this...

...after the third time he got put on the potty, he threw an absolute fit...even with the delicious bribe! So, I guess we'll save the potty training for another *day*.

Two years and a bit ago, I lost one of my best friends and spiritual mentors. My Auntie Carol was the most Godly woman I have ever met. Full of compassion and grace, she made me want to love God more. She died from a fast growing brain tumor.

I don't think about her death too much, just her life and the impact she had. But today, as I was driving home from a visit with Grandma, with Bob & Larry singing about peanut butter pizzas with anchovies in the back ground, I started to think about the last days leading up to her death. I remembered some of the feelings I had and the questions and the hurt. And as a few tears started brimming around my eyes my now 2 year old, yelled, "HORRAY" and swished his "windshield wipers" and giggled hystarically.

I was pregnant with this little man when I said good bye to Carol for the last time here on earth, and today I was so blessed by my sons life all the while being saddened for the loss of another. But, as I think back on these two totally opposite events I feel so much joy in how God has planned 'life'. One day I will die, and from that day on, I will not know the sting of death or pain or sin. I will dance for joy and glory in my God for eternity. And to think of such things, makes me not so sad that Carol's gone, but more hopeful for the future that we will have together in the Kingdom.

A few photos....for Lola

more to come!!

midwifery

For a long while now (about 3 years)I have taken up a very keen interested in the world of midwifery. Through a special friend I learned about doulas and their roles and decided that this would be a good first step to see if this was a road in which I wanted to go down. So their I was, with a new baby trying to get certified. It took a little while but I did it! I have a doula certificate through Childbirth International though I have yet to use it. It seems that with (now) three kids, I can't find the time to do something that would be mostly volunteer work. I wouldn't make enough to pay for daycare, nor would I want to at this point.

All this being said, I think I want to go back to school. Does that make sense? "No." you say? I know it doesn't, but it sort of does at the same time. You see, in Canada, it takes four years to become a registered midwife. That's four years of school work only one of which you're in a placement with a midwives schedule. So for three years, I'd actually be a student in normal classes. And, my husband has told me that he wants to stay at home while I have class. So, my kids would not be bounced around from person to person or daycare to daycare. I applied to a program last year, but decided to refuse the acceptance because of a surprise baby that would make his appearance in late October. Looking back I see that this was God's timing and I couldn't be happier with how everything has worked out.

I've been preparing my application and will send it in tomorrow. I guess we'll see where this road leads.

new stage of life

As life-changing as I thought having a third child would be, it wasn't. It wasn't having an extra mouth to feed, bum to change, more laundry to do or even having another body to bathe. It was none of these things - it was the finality of naptime that has changed my life drastically. My three year old has decided that naps are overrated and he's not having one. For two weeks I struggled with the idea of not having some 'me' time, or deep cleaning time, or even my own nap time.

On Saturday I conceded. I was making him have his own quiet time in his bed, just so that I didn't have to give up what I had become accustomed to - how selfish of me. In the past few days, I've had to learn how to go to bed a little earlier, or get my cleaning done when dad gets home at night. My day is far busier and I feel a little out of control. Why is this so life altering? I'd take another newborn just to have my nap time back. I guess this shows me of how self centered I can be sometimes.

These were my thoughts until yesterday when I got some one on one time with the big guy. We made some Christmas taffy. I was able to do something that I wouldn't have necessarily done if his little bro had been awake, and I really enjoyed my time with him. Today we played a game for ages 3 and up. Tomorrow we're going to work on writing out some letters. I feel like maybe I'm getting a little bit of time with him that I *missed* out on because I had our kids so close together. I hope I get this with each one. Even if I've been acting a little grumpier these last few days because I'm not diciplined enough to go to bed at a reasonable hour:)